The Jew Unit
The Jew Unit is an American team of heroes, musicians, and all around good guys. Lead by guitarist Anthony Robert Wolfgang Chen, the group formed in 2008. Over the next four years they would achieve worldwide fame for both saving the planet from numerous apocalyptic events (including The Apocalypse) and for their ''Old Testament Saga'', five albums that detail their heroic adventures during this period. Following the events of December 21, 2012 the surviving members of the Unit were able to retire to a peacful life, since love and harmony had spread across the Earth. However, in July 2015 they all disappeared. Their whereabouts are currently unknown. History Beginnings The group was established on Easter Sunday 2008 after guitarist Anthony Robert Wolfgang Chen left his church service early due to boredom and heard Focus' "Hocus Pocus" on the radio. When he got home he immediately wrote the guitar riff for future single "Holy Moses." Upon returning to school Chen recruited guitarist Ben Kalman, bassist Philip Gringer, drummer Steven Gringer, and singer Bradley "Danger" Silverman and the group soon began preparing music for their yearly Battle of the Bands event at school, dubbing themselves The Jew Unit. The school's administration was not pleased with the choice of name and at first refused to let the group perform, but after the entire student body staged a combination walkout/mooning they reluctantly permitted them under the condition that they use an alias for the night. After a long and tough campaign the student body voted for the temporary name Will Smith (defeating Hot Daddy & the Monkey Puppets and Bradley Silverman & the Beeftastic Beefcakes). During the band's performance Shane Kelly, a fellow student, felt overcome by the pure energy exuded by the group and somehow found himself on stage. The group happily welcomed him and he was inducted to the group immediately. Although they did not win the event due to a personal vendetta against them by the school's administration they received a thirty minute standing ovation from the thousands in attendance. Impressed by their performance Mark G. Levy, a friend from Ben's temple, invited the group to perform at his own high school the following week, a performance that would go down in history when the group was able to focus their combined energy and interfere with the planet's revolution, causing the sun to set prematurely. Levy immediately pledged his life to the band, along with their classmates Fionn J. McElligott, Kyle McNee, Jesse Wekerle, and Sam "Sam Denahy" Denahy, who were also in attendance. First Adventures and First Album Now consisting of eleven members the Unit soon realized the magnitude of their combined powers and began experimenting over the following months. Classmate Moishe Blagov became their manager and agent, allowing the band to focus all efforts on their new abilities. Although the group desired to induct him as an official Unit member Blagov nobly refused, acknowledging that his talents did not lie in music or special powers but simply business acumen. Nonetheless the Unit holds him in the highest regard and he has since accompanied them for all adventures, missions, campaigns, recording sessions, and public appearances. The band's experiments at this time would transport them through time and across the planet to meet numerous famous figures, although the band unanimously agreed to not disclose the vast majority of the details of those early experiments due to their questionable legality. However, to celebrate those details deemed fit for human ears they recorded their first album, [[I: The Drastic Fantastic Sarcastic Ecclesiastic Dynastic Gymnastic Monastic Thermoplastic Elastic Enthusiastic Scholastic Bombastic CD (Genesis)|''I: The Drastic Fantastic Sarcastic Ecclesiastic Dynastic Gymnastic Monastic Thermoplastic Elastic Enthusiastic Scholastic Bombastic CD (Genesis)]], which released on January 24 2009. Despite recording on a budget of just $6.17 the album was a critical success and the album was certified gold after just three days on the backs of hit singles "Holy Moses," "Chanukah," "The Red Sea Men," and "The Passion of the Gibson: An Alternate Universe." The last single was notable for being the first song ever written and recorded via group-telekinesis-inspired-vision-dreaming, in which the Unit materialized a vision of the future into digital format. Unfortunately, their vision into the future was incomplete due to the band's inexperience and lack of training, as they would soon find out. The Gibson-Disney War and Second Album Two weeks after the release of ''Genesis Bradley Silverman was in the middle of his traditional Sunday run (which would be longer than his usual daily runs so as to make up for the Sabbath) and in the desert of Nevada came upon Mel Gibson. They struck up a conversation, during which Silverman asked Gibson why he did not like Jews. Gibson explained that it was because he had once been denied the hand of his love, Sue, by her overprotective father, and confessed to their murders while also revealing his true identity as Walt Disney. Spiritually vulnerable due to the release of the burden of keeping that secret for decades, which had enveloped his soul in a thick protective shield that had now dissipated, his weakened being became possessed by Satan, who had brought along Adolf Hitler's spirit to aid in the possession. He quickly summoned the Army of Darkness and Silverman was forced to retreat home to New York. The band immediately began researching on Wikipedia, looking for clues as to who might be the Twelve Helpers that a possessed Gibson-Disney had mentioned. They soon concluded that M. Night Shyamalan, Jim Caviezel, Danny Glover, and the rock band Rush (Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Neil Peart) all had to be Helpers. They were unable to continue researching, however, due to an attack by Gibson-Disney's forces. Fortunately for them Sylvester Stallone and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger arrived to whisk them to safety, revealing themselves to be two more Helpers and revealing that The Beatles were the remaining four. Unfortunately, Satan's agents had already killed John Lennon in 1985 and George Harrison in 2001, leaving only Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr as the remaining Beatles. The Unit underwent an intense period of training over the following week. Their powers were further honed by the ancient teachings in the possession of the Helpers, who also equipped them with improved weaponry. Together the groups rallied thousands to their cause, forming The Last Alliance which has aided the Unit in all global conflicts ever since. A challenge was soon put forth for the two opposing forces to meet in on the open field. At the Battle of Teaneck the Last Alliance able to gain a resounding victory after Seal appeared and revealed himself to be Jesus. He cast Satan and Hitler back to Hell, confined the Army of Darkness to Nova Scotia and, amazingly, separated Walt Disney from Mel Gibson, who were welcomed into Heaven and given a pet otter, respectively. Seal also revealed to the Unit that they were his descendants, bestowing them with enhanced powers that granted them complete mastery of the musical techniques of the First, Second, Third Dimension. The very next day the band would enter the studio and recorded II: The Passion of the Gibson (Exodus), which released on March 17, 2009. Boosted by their newfound status as global celebrities for leading the war against Gibson-Disney the album was certified gold on March 18th, 2009. Although sales were good, reviews criticized the album's lack of singles. In a scatching analysis Mareena VonBfardum complained, "It would seem that their newfound international status has gone to The Jew Unit's head. Exodus shows genius in spurts but sounds like a band that has spent too much time eating yoghurt with the Dalai and not enough time writing a song that people can actually sing along to." Additionally, the album was hurt by controversy when the one song to receive moderate airplay, "Turn the Other Cheek," was banned from playlists in America after the United States Supreme Court deemed the tune to overtly fetishize pineapples and global stations soon followed suit. As a response to the popular resistance and disappointment the Unit did not tour in support of the album. Instead, they played just one show at Mark's old high school for the Stop Violins Against Women benefit in June 2009. The crowd of 100,000 was shocked as the band took the stage without Levy, McNee, and McElligott who all had a very bad case of an ingrown toenail as a continued complication of the Gibson-Disney war, a condition that saw them hospitalized in Manchester, Tennessee. The band still delivered a raucous show, causing a surge of pure power so great that all camera and recording equipment were rendered unusable. Seeing as the show was still an instant classic all in attendance forgave the band for their solid-but-not-particularly-relistenable sophmore effort, and those who heard of the show believed the stories of it's quality and agreed to give the Unit another chance. Loss of Bradley Although the band's image, as well as Levy, McNee, and McElligott's toes, would recover, tragedy would soon befall the group. On a trip to the zoo in August 2010 Bradley Silverman fell into the gorilla pit and was killed by one of the beasts by the name of Brajimbie. His body, unfortunately, was never recovered as the offending ape stuffed it and used it as a puppet to entertain his gorilla children, although upon Brajimbie's death in 2013 his children placed Silverman's body into their father's casket as a token of their appreciation for all that he did to give them a happy childhood and fine upbringing. A service was held for Silverman by his family. The Unit attended, but as their traditions dictate, their attendance consisted of staying home and enjoying a meal of poached eggs and chicken legs, family style. Space Travels and Third Album Needing a vacation from the brutality of this planet's zoos the Unit finished their memorial dinner, boarded their ship, the Meshugenah Messiah, and launched into the solar system. Their new environment immediately had an effect on their moods, who soon triumphed over their sorrow. After an already they were jamming out new ideas and preparing new songs. However, after passing Saturn the Messiah was sucked into a wormhole. Inside the wormhole the Unit was subjected to scenes that overstimulated their various senses and emotions, nearly bringing them to the brink of insanity. They eventually exited the portal into the Fourth Dimension where they were met by Durgalugalug of the Sixth Dimension. His people were impressed with the band's catalog and decided to teach them musical techniques of the Fourth Dimension to help them increase their next album's sales to record breaking levels. After transmitting this data into their brains Durgalugalug presented each member with personal gifts, which included newfound powers, equipment, and, for the background vocalists, an altered anatomical structure. Durgalugalug would also offer his personal services to the band, who took him on as a roadie, except for Philip who instead took him as a lover. With a capable wormhole navigator now on board they were able to chart a course back home and on the ride over they enhanced their new material with their newfound techniques, and also learned a few fun covers. Upon their return to Earth they played a special concert on the infamous Grassy Knoll right outside Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas. As soon as they started playing every living creature within a six mile radius died instantaneously. Fortunately, their recording equipment was not damaged and they were able to keep a record of the show. This live recording was released on September 29, 2009 as III: Musical Techniques of the Fourth Dimension (Leviticus) ''and saw The Jew Unit reach new heights of popularity, being certified diamond by the afternoon of it's release. Siskel and Ebert raved, "Using a mix of interdimensional technique, personnel issues, and the mild reception of ''Exodus as creative fuel The Jew Unit has reached new heights on Musical Techniques. 'Likkot' may truly be the greatest song of all time." Eric Bischoff simply stated, "They're back, and better than ever!" Category:Groups Category:Celebrities